13 Mar True Strength

Weakness is a part of my daily life. As I type out that sentence feels exposing and raw, but it is true. I haven’t had the right language to name what it is but it started shortly after I got Covid for the second time in 2021. This experience of Covid was way more difficult than the first. I had to go to the hospital. It spread to my whole family, including my extended family; and as my husband and I laid in bed day after day, I thought about how blessed we had been with good health up until then. At that moment I didn’t know I would be battling whatever this is for many, many more days, weeks, months and even years. I have spent many days wondering, when will I get back to normal.

A new normal

Cut to today and although I am far from being laid up in bed sick, for some reason my body doesn’t want to snap back to normal. I do carry extra weight, and so that may explain some of it, but even more than that, there is a weakness in my body that wasn’t there before. My stamina is low and over the past 3 years I have lost over 40 pounds. Okay, that last part is not so bad! To add to this physical challenge I am of a “certain age”, where a woman’s body begins to change. Admitting this may be my new normal has been difficult.

False identity

This double whammy that is my life right now has definitely thrown me for a loop. I have never been a weak girl. I remember my dad telling stories of when I was little, not even walking, I could pull myself up using the coffee table. He would say, “Ursala, you would do pull ups on the coffee table it was so surprising to watch!” With this same strength and determination I moved through most of my childhood knowing I was strong, and proving I was strong.

By the time I had gotten to high school I was lifting weights with the football team and throwing the shot putt in field sports. I was above average at the field events for track and I lettered in my sophomore year. I hung out with mostly boys, because I loved how they pushed me to lift more and more weight. Looking back a lot of my identity was caught up in being strong, and I would proudly call myself a “tomboy.”

As I continued to walk with the Lord my spiritual walk began to take on the same characteristics. I was a strong Christian, unwavering and uncompromising. Weakness of any kind was not tolerated and certainly sickness of any kind was not acceptable. I held this same mindset… until. This would be the first big ‘until’ in my Christian walk, and believe me it was a doozy!

Testing of faith

Before we go into this “until” let me define what exactly an “until” is. An “until” is that place in our Christian walk when our faith is challenged, but more than challenged, it is deconstructed. If you have not experienced this yourself it may be hard to understand, however, this is not a new concept. In our spiritual journeys we experience highs and lows, some call these lows a dry spell, others have named it the dark night of the soul, but for me I simply call them until. The reason for this is because these moments in my life’s story have often started with “everything was going fine, until.”

The first time I experienced one of these faith challenging moments was when my little brother was diagnosed with cancer. It was a rare aggressive cancer that he was only able to fight for about 18 months. At the end of his fight, I found myself tired and confused. What I believed about Christians getting sick and dying no longer made sense. If I’m being honest, I felt lied to. I also felt like a fool for believing that God could heal him, would heal him.

After the death of my Charles (that was my brother’s name) I remained in a place of disillusionment for several years. Too ashamed to admit that I was heartbroken and confused, I pretended to be unaffected. I thought this meant that I was strong. This wrong idea was confirmed when people would say, “you are so strong” I played along but, I remember secretly praying, “God, I wish I didn’t have to be strong.”

At the time I did not understand what real strength looked like, only its facade; which I now understand isn’t strength at all. Looking back at this time, I realized that I didn’t have the tools needed to process my grief. For whatever reason I thought that Charles’ death was a reflection of my own faith, or lack thereof. In my shame I allowed myself to think, “If I had more faith, maybe God would have healed him.”

Cycles of life

Friends, I want to be clear, NOTHING can be further from the truth. I could not say it then, but now I know death is part of life. If we are willing to see, in the pain of death God can show us beauty. I want to say that I fully learned this lesson the first time I experienced loss, but, if I am being honest, this is a lesson I am still learning today.

The cycle of life and death is all around us. One place we see this cycle is in scripture, in the birth, death, and resurrection of Christ . During this Lenten season, this cycle is at the surface of most Christians hearts. Similarly, another place we see this cycle is in nature. This cycle gives us a rhythm to set our natural clocks to. Rhythm comforts us by offering us consistency and making us feel held and peaceful in a chaotic world. The seasons tell us no matter how hot summer is, the cool breeze of autumn will blow, leaves will change, and winter will come. In this same way God remains, even in the painful bits of life, giving us the grace to remain in Him and hold space for grief and sadness.

Still and empty

This lesson has been most recently thought to me by a particular tree on my back patio. If you remember my last post, you know lately God has been speaking to me through my little backyard garden. Like most trees, my Palo Verde tree changes throughout the year. In the spring and summer it is a lovely deep green with thousands of tiny leaves covering its branches. In the fall the leaves change color and drop. Currently it is winter where I am, and the tree sits in my backyard bare. Lately I have noticed a sense of anticipation in my garden as we get closer to spring. This is reflected in the first new shoots sprouting up from the ground, however, my tree sits empty and still.
That phrase ‘still and empty’ began to echo in my mind and so I wrote it down and over the course of several days the poem below developed.

Listen for God’s voice

In this busy hurried life I believe that God will use even a simple Palo Verde tree to speak to us. My prayer is that you will allow God to use your everyday life to draw hope and inspiration from, He is always speaking all we have to do is listen.

Still and Empty

a poem by Ursala Pierce- Houser

You provide all four seasons,
growing, reaching, giving for all who will partake.
Twisted branches and straight, you are beautiful,
all your beauty, all your majesty, I celebrate.

Bare…only a few dried leaves left behind,
the birds have picked your branches clean for food and nesting.
Still and empty

Green beauty dancing in the light,
reaching stretching towards heaven,
your bare branches wait with anticipation for the dressing to come.
Still and empty you wait,
still and empty

Sun so bright, shining almost white on your naked branches,
you don’t hide or cover your nakedness,
you embrace the beauty found in it,
Still and empty you shine
Still and empty.

Dark green, and precious.
You stretch you reach,
knowing a day will come when you will be covered again.
Still and empty.

Rain comes down, and it nourishes you,
wind blows you from side to side, fortifying your roots,
Still and empty

Light cascades down on the outside of your branches and there is darkness on the other
your olive tones seamlessly fade to deep green.
Still and empty, you remain, still and empty

Today you are still and empty
not even a bird uses you to perch,
still and empty
gathering the sustenance you need from the earth
Still and empty.

Even now you are beautiful,
reaching out, reaching up towards the sun,
you are not lacking,
you are full of the potential that you had when you were planted.

Still and empty
you are beautiful!
Still and empty.

Ursala Pierce-Houser

Ursala and her husband have 3 children. She was raised in a faith based home. Being surrounded by people who loved to worship God gave her a passion for God’s word and a hunger to connect people to God thru writing. She has written 3 bible studies.