There was a period in my life I broke God’s heart. A time I thought God had surely forgotten about me. Caught in a web of deceit and betrayal my recovery and restoration was a bloody and tragic one.

I grovelled in a murky pit of despair,
wrapped in inconsolable sorrow.
Fear scurried about like a frenzied rat
and so fierce was my terror that I cowered in a grove where tears turn to
blood; my shrieks unrecognisable even to my own ears. My need for God’s forgiveness threw me on my face before him.

“No God, not me, that cannot be me! Who is this aged woman I see with
soured pallor and skin as burnt wood.
Slumped over my own mess across the bathroom floor, my sin ever before me.
It was there before the face of mercy that I fully understood how intimately God knows us.
How much he loves us and how fully acquainted he is with everything that concerns us; our innermost workings,
even our distorted vanity.
How utterly beautiful truth is at our bloodiest moments. How liberating our frailty when God knows who and what we truly are, yet loves us evermore. He knows what we go through and the fires we walk through. The storms that threaten to destroy us. God knew me.

“I will never ignore abuse against you. I was right there in your pain; walking through your wilted rose garden.
It is I who upheld you in your disappointment and mourned the ruins of your picket fence. I felt all your
pain”.

Something happens when we realise our own nakedness before God. Our hearts are forever transformed when we acknowledge that we’ve come to the end of ourselves.
“Who may stand in your holy
place Lord?
Only he who has clean hands and
a pure heart”.

It is indeed therefore a defining moment when we encounter God’s true love. We look at the blood on our hands and yet here we are, standing in a place designed only for perfection. In his presence where the heart of God sees his son who wrought our redemption by sacrificing his life for us.
In his presence; wrapped against his heart we find an incomprehensible mercy.
I found this love when I whimpered my pain into his God’s chest – curled on my bathroom floor.

“I will never leave you. I am by your side….even unto death—even at the crushing of your bones”.

My grief and relief splattered across wilted roses. It fell into all the broken places, cracks and crevices. I
sobbed over all the untold misery. I held tightly to my Lord who still loved me despite me. It felt as if the torrent would
never stop—so burdened was I.

“Oh Lord, nothing about me is
hidden from you. You know me. You love me. But please tell
me—what shall I lay at your
feet—what can I bring to you
that will have you blot out this
bloody stain from my hands.
Deliver me from the guilt of
bloodshed, O God,
you who are God, my
Saviour”?

Repentance requires more than words. More than a
sacrifice of time and effort.
I needed to know who God was. Many of our carnal
decisions would starve if we understood this truth.
Who is God?

“Out, out you damned stain!

“Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from
your presence and do not take your Holy Spirit from me”. (Psalm 51:10-12)

God was silent but I felt his breath against my cheek and I reached up to touch his face. He held me close
to his heart; wrapped me in his arms like a baby.
I knew God was with me. That He loved me so much was the greatest and most overwhelming wonder of all wonders. The unmerited gift of redemption.
I love him so tenderly—because he loved me only with tenderness. Even in chastisement he loved me.

“You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
You take no pleasure in burnt offerings
for the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken spirit and a contrite heart,
O God, (these) you will not despise”.
(Psalm 51: 16-17)

Your hand reaches for me even as I slip and fall.
There is no greater love than the love of a father who gives his life away for his children.
You love me.
This my heart knows very well.

No matter where you may find yourself;
buried to your ears – darkness sucking the very breath from you.
God loves you.
He knows everything about you.
Call out to him and he will answer you and show you great and mighty things.

May you know the beauty of the Father’s love.

Beulah Kleinveldt

An (adapted) excerpt from my book Redemption and the forthcoming 3rd edition Katy’s Redemption.