02 Sep My Story: Suffering in Love

by Lara Silverman

Matt Silverman once said to me “Babe, God always writes the best stories.” Let me tell you one now. You see, I started praying for an Armenian Christian husband at age sixteen. But I was always fascinated with God’s chosen people. So what did God do? On January 1, 2022, while in the throngs of my own serious illness, God gave me both of my heart’s desires by sending me a five foot ten (1.8m) half-Armenian, half-Jewish package named Matt Silverman. God’s hand in orchestrating our love story was so evident that you could say Matt was signed, sealed and delivered from God to me. A few years earlier when we were both healthy. We had driven to Christian camp alone by chance, discovering our chemistry even as friends.

Fast forward five years and Matt, amidst his own cancer, rang my doorbell and sat across my bed to give me spiritual support on how to persevere in suffering. He sat there patiently until eleven pm with his warm smile, tenderly answering all my questions and accusations against God. At the end of the night, I thanked him for coming and he responded with a surprising answer that flooded my heart with butterflies: he said verbatim “There’s no place I’d rather be.” After about six visits we literally just realized we were falling in love, hard. As Matt said, “We never dated did we? We just fell in love.” I had finally found my unicorn, a quirky musical nerd just like me.

Matt’s calm demeanor absorbed my energetic disposition. Right before visits, I would perk up, get out of my pit of self-pity, and start preparing love songs to sing to him as he lay down. My dad would roll his eyes jealously, “Oh, Matt must be coming again.” To which I said, “Dad listen, this guy is the crème de la crème, a handsome evangelizing engineering PhD who likes politics and theology like me. Get with the program.” When I told Matt once his eyes were like beautiful chocolate almonds, he teased, “I didn’t know my eyes were edible.” I would mail him bright pink Victorian love letters doused in glitter addressed to “Trouble Silverman” to embarrass him in front of his roommates. I don’t know if it worked but he proposed a few months later. Then, when we took engagement photos at the Pulgas Water Temple, the verse on the temple was Isaiah 43:20, which was also my devotional verse that very morning in my Bible app. The more we thought about it we decided: this must be our wedding theme. Thus, God even orchestrated our wedding verse to teach how he gives believers streams of refreshing water in their desert times. This is our love story.

Matt was cut from a different cloth. He gave all his money to charity, fasted when praying for others, taught children, preached internationally, and his eyes told the story of great perseverance in suffering. Because of his past sufferings, Matt also instinctively displayed great compassion for others. When I moved in, I found an old notebook where he had meticulously scribbled people’s names, their specific needs, and the day of the week to pray. My heart melted. As for me, he made me feel extremely understood. He was constant and patient with me in my outbursts against God as to why we’re suffering, answering my theological questions until two am. He never once judged me for my bitterness, which is very easy to do when both spouses are struggling. Instead, he gave me grace time and time again and gently said, “God wants us to have joy in our suffering, right babe? Let’s try.”

Second, Matt was incredibly humble and servant-hearted, laser-focused on church, family, and his students. I watched him give lectures in sharp pain lying down in bed, putting his students’ needs over his own. And despite his literal brilliance, at bottom he was a simple man, giving no importance to pomp and circumstance. When I told him once he is the perfect Christian, he got flustered and said “Lara stop. I’m not perfect just like any sinner. Don’t idolize me.” So even in compliments, he stayed rooted in the gospel.

Another example: I once surprised Matt with a fancy new wardrobe and he started tearing up and said: “I always felt guilty spending money on myself but I’m so happy my wife is taking care of me now.” It just never occurred to him to think of himself. Matt also fostered my passions, saying once: “Lara, you’re my Maria from Sound of Music. I was suffering and then you came into my life bringing music and joy.” For a musical lover like me, such a profound compliment flew me to the moon and back.

Third, Matt was supernaturally courageous, teaching me how to be fearless. Chemo after chemo, surgery, CAT scan, you name it, he came back, laid down, smiled and said the same thing every single time: “There’s my girl.” No bitterness. No fear. Some frustration? Yes. But not more. And in hospice, Matt went through an excruciating phase of not eating a crumb for nine weeks and watching his body deteriorate, without a SINGLE complaint about pain or dying young. It was shocking. And despite facing cancer twice, Matt praised God privately to me until his last breath — without a trace of bitterness — and only had immense peace and excitement about meeting his God. This is Matt Silverman. A model of Christlike submission to God’s will; a living testimony of what he preached. His courageous outlook bears powerful witness to the reality that for the Christian, death is nothing but a doorway into Christ’s presence forever. For this reason, I proclaim: MY HUSBAND IS ALIVE! See John 11:25 (“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die.’”). THIS is the power of the gospel.

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Lara Silverman is an Armenian American lawyer, jazz singer, comedic actress, violinist, and songwriter. She holds a JD from Stanford Law School and a BA from UC Berkeley, where she double-majored in Economics and Political Science.

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