In light of Valentine’s Day coming up, I’d like to reflect a little on dating from a woman’s perspective.

My husband and I are going on eight years of marriage. Before that we dated for a year – so altogether that makes for nine years of going on dates together. Not as much as some but we certainly have some data to work with for this post!

We also have read a lot of relationship books over time. The content of these books change in value and application for us as our relationship matures and I love to keep them on our shelves to refer back to again and again. Dating is something everyone wants to keep fresh and exciting but as the years go on it sometimes takes intentionality to create space for special moments.

For example, I love this list* directing men to achieve the perfect conversation during a special date:

She wants to hear about:

• How wonderful she looks
• How you miss her
• How good it is to be with her
• Plans for your future together
• What you like about your relationship
• Plans for her future (to meet her personal dreams, goals, etc)
• Her interests (encourage her in them)
• How you met (reminisce about the wonderful beginnings)
• Why she’s special to you
• Positive things about the restaurant
• Her accomplishments
• Her day
• Her ideas
• The appreciation you have for all she does

She doesn’t want to hear about:

• The kids, the in-laws
• The office
• Looking forward to something that doesn’t involve her
• Anything negative, anything you don’t like about anything
• Topics you disagree on that may cause an argument
• Chores
• Expenses, bills, taxes
• Problems of today 
• Other women, past or present
• Negative things about the restaurant
• Your accomplishments
• Your day
• Your ideas
• The difficulties you had in planning this great date

*Taken from Sanna with Miller, How to Romance the Woman You Love, p158

Common knowledge says that communication is the key to a good relationship. Couples communicate all the time. It’s not for want of communication that dating and relationships can become frustrating.

I’ve found over time that communicating our expectations is in fact one of the most important ways we can strengthen our relationship. Assuming that the other person knows what we want and need leads nowhere good.

Telling him what you want

In the beginning sharing with my husband the ways in which I most experience love felt robotic, awkward, needy and just plain sad! Shouldn’t he just know what I want? Isn’t it plain unromantic for me to tell him what flowers are my favourite instead of him just… knowing? 

It’s not that they don’t love us and it’s not that they don’t want to romance us. They need us to help them. And when we help them, it’s far from selfish or self-centered. According to the postmodern theory of psychology, there are three elements in play in a dyadic relationship like a marriage. The two spouses plus the relationship itself. While I keep quiet about my needs and wants, my husband may be fine but the third element, the relationship itself, is suffering. Honestly, since I started taking conscious, intentional responsibility for the health of our relationship, my husband and I have both been richly rewarded. Sometimes what that responsibility looks like is accepting that he might not think our specific conversational topics during a date can make or break the success thereof. For his sake, for my sake and for the sake of my marriage, I honestly do send him the above list sometimes before our date! And he appreciates the gentle nudge.

Being specific about our conversational topics during date night is just one of many small ways we can incrementally improve our relationship. What about you? Do you feel like you are able to communicate your expectations about your relationship to your significant other? Or have you maybe found success already in choosing consciously to talk about the way you would like to be loved?

I have put together a printable PDF to bless your relationship and to keep dating fun! It includes prompts about what activities to do together, how to prepare for them and even some conversational prompts that might aid in steering the conversation away from politics! You can take a look at it here.

Kate Walsh

Kate is the current owner and editor of Cup of Faith. She is a blogger who loves Jesus, loves to read, and currently lives in Johannesburg with her husband.

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